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Pakistan launches "RAW Mark" for consumer products

5:58 AM / Posted by Khamba / comments (0)

ISLAMABAD: In a unilateral confidence building measure aimed at easing tensions with rival India; Asif Ali Zardari announced the launch of the “RAW Mark” as the official seal of quality and standards for consumer products across Pakistan. This as a sign or reciprocity towards India which has stamped every product with an “ISI Mark” since 1987 as the gold standard in quality and authenticity.

Speaking at the launch ceremony in Islamabad’s Marriott Hotel, Zardari said, “We believe Pakistan shouldn’t be insecure about stamping products within its borders with the RAW mark. Perhaps the Indians overlooked the significance of naming their quality seal the “ISI mark” or perhaps they were just being practical given that the ISI had already infiltrated every level of Indian bureaucracy. The fact that everything that happens in Pakistan nowadays is because of the foreign hand – we must show the same level of practicality and return the favour. Personally i think even the various Marriott Hotels might have survived the attacks on them had they been ascertained for quality and stamped with the RAW mark. We believe it is a great confidence building step and foreign secretary level talks can start at “a suitable time”".

Purpoted to be implemented from 1st January 2010 under the aegis of the Pakistan Standards and Quality Control Authority, the RAW mark would hence be applied on every consumer good produced or imported in Pakistan. This would entail everything from soaps, pressure cookers, gas cylinders and even mineral water bottles. The only products exempt would be weapons of mass destruction such as RPG’s and AK 47’s, movies produced by Mahesh Bhatt and Atif Aslam’s albums if any one song features in a Bollywood movie besides those of Bhatt.

The ministry of External Affairs refused to comment on Pakistan’s latest overture. An official statement is expected within the next few days.

An edited version of this post mixed with one of my previous news stories can also be found on www.fakingnews.com

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H.E. Smt. Pratibha Patil's flight of fancy

3:02 AM / Posted by Khamba / comments (0)

I’m sure you all must have heard by now that Her Excellency Smt. Pratibha Patil will soon become the first Indian woman (President or otherwise) to fly in a front line Indian Air Force jet. Inspired by watching Dave Lettermans Top Ten List – I decided to come up with my own regarding this forthcoming incident.

So here goes – my Top Ten list of things Pratibha Patil would say while flying over India in a Sukhoi – 30 MKI.


10. Are you sure those India TV cameras can zoom this far?

9. Where do you paste the L (learners) sticker?

8. What does this button do? Release “Dr..o.p Tan..k”?

7. To the pilot – You’re not a Sikh are you?

6. This is SO much better than standing for 3 hours at the Republic Day Parade

5. Did Shashi Tharoor have anything to do with this idea?

4. The last time I felt such thrust was during my honeymoon!

3. Damn those Mayawati statues look big!

2. Arre wait stop the plane – my pallu is stuck in the cockpit

1. Hey hold up – this is a Mig 21! Arrrrrgggggggghhhhhh !!

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Save the Tiger!

3:31 PM / Posted by Khamba / comments (0)

While the already abysmal Tiger population of the country continues to decrease – the only thing the government can do besides running campaigns no one watches on Doordarshan is announcing new ways of conducting a census. This time instead of measuring pug marks they’ve turned to measuring scat. I’m guessing when the condition of the 5 remaining tigers in the country is so shitty (no pun intended but completely unavoidable) – determining their numbers through their shit is the only thing left to do. The problem can be traced back to when India decided to deport the British in the name of independence. So what exactly happened? Simple – they made the tiger the national animal.

A quick survey of all things national in India reveals the state of despair they are in:

Sport – Hockey (Destroyed due to lack of governance and by the Board of Control of Cricket)
Flower – Lotus (We eat the stem and let the petals rot away in their surrounding muck)

Bird – Peacock (Reduced to being a bookmark or a turban motiff for Tipu Sultan wannabes)

Song – Vande Mataram (Fatwa’ed by the Muslims like just about everything else)

Anthem – Jana Gana Mana (Contentious given the lack of Bodo and Telengana representation)

Network – Doordarshan (Hasn’t produced a programme worth watching since Flop Show)

Museum – In Delhi (When was the last time anyone went there?)

So is there any surprise they havent managed to save the Tiger? As with any other national thing – people really don’t care. What they do care about however – is god. There is perhaps no better civic example of preventing people from defacating on the streets than by installing images of Hindu gods on public walls. I assure you – they are the only streets in Delhi where you can walk without holding your nose or seeing someone turn on their sprinklers.

Hell – the Tiger doesn’t even get enough credit as monkey’s elephants and rats.

We all know the monkey issue. Ever since Dara Singh played Hanuman in the first rendition of TV Ramayana – Indians have happily allowed monkeys to ravage cities and human beings with gay abandon. Terrorists attacking the Parliament is obviously a big no no; but if a stray monkey who likes living there bites a minister – that’s a sign from the gods that you’ll be in power for a very long time!

The first time India hosted an international sports meet (Asian Games 84) the mascot was the Elephant (Appu – for crying out loud) as compared to the Tiger (Shera – for fucks sake who comes up with these joke names parading as ethnic heritage?) who only got a chance in 2010. Perhaps they knew the condition of the Tiger would be as good as their stadiums?

More recently the government of India recently announced no elephants will be kept in zoos anymore since they are best served by being in their natural habitat. Now personally I don’t agree. Elephants have a better chance of staying alive in zoos and walking our city streets as compared to being killed for their tusks in the jungle. But still – given that you can’t piss of Hanuman – or Mayawati (whose election symbol is a big lumbering elephant crushing its opponents) elephants have to go back to their naturally friendly environment where everyone would call it Jumbo and sing Akshay Kumar songs.

Forget elephants. Even rats get more respect. Goto half the Hindu places of worship where rats are revered as one of gods greatest creations. I believe the rat is the “ride” of one of the gods whose name I cant recall. So is the Tiger actually – but not as cute n fuzzy no? I mean Bubonic plague aside – I would love to go around Rajasthan with a microwave and pop some of these rodents at 49 seconds Crispy Cook settings. Let’s see which god saves their little ferret asses then. You really have to be special to pray to rats as an avatar of god.

So given that we have scientific and anthropological data that Indians don’t mess with god - why has the Tiger not been converted into some god yet? Why cant the RSS and VHP come out with guidelines for saving the Tigers instead of allowing their crushed bones to be part of el-cheapo Chinese aphrodisiacs? Everytime I see an India and China comparison on TV depicting a Tiger fighting a Dragon – it only reminds me that the tiger is getting extinct. So son – drop that box of Kelloggs Frosties and urge your local community to create Tiger temples all around. Who knows – maybe the movement will spread and people will start worshipping it and maybe we’ll end up saving a few.

It’s a real pity that the group that has gotten our national animal the most publicity the last 20 years was a Sri Lankan terror outfit. Funnily – they too are now virtually extinct.

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Dissecting the Tata DoCoMo advert

11:58 AM / Posted by Khamba / comments (0)

What do you get when one of India's largest corporate houses combines the two fastest growing domestic industries into a mundane and highly annoying product?

The advertisement for TATA DoCoMo.

Confused? Its pretty simple. First - take one slice of the government GSM spectrum and tie-up with a Japanese telecom giant to "Do the new".

Second - add to it India's biggest pastime - annoying middle class children and young adults decked up in 30 rupee t-shirts and embroided jeans from Palika Bazar singing at the top of their voices as if theyre the love child of Yoko Ono and Bappi Lahiri. (Actually that creates Bono...but nevermind)

What you get is pretty spectacular.

Now before i continue i must say im confused. A couple of months the same company was making tongue in cheek remarks and urging me to buy a Virgin Mobile. Now theyve completed changed tack and focussed their marketing efforts on making me buy DoCoMo.

How do you decide? Thats easy to. Just figure out whats more embarrasing for you - to be called a virgin or sounding like a menu item served to the Dalai Lama in Tawang?

So - the ad. We notice a bunch of bored middle class individuals from across the spectrum (no pun intended) who are sitting in the "friendship express". Now here is a prime target for terrorists if they want to blow up a train. For once i wish they'd leave the Samjhauta Express alone and just blow up this one. Anyway...so the middle class kids get bored when suddenly - a broad jawed individual who looks like a personal acquaintance who goes by the name of Vijit Hooda gets up and decides to entertain everyone through his vocal cords.

Now heres where it gets confusing. Inspired by fake Vijit's impressive rendition of "Do Do Do" (perhaps hes projecting his IQ being that of a Dodo) other people get up and start chanting a Buddhist melody with "Co Co Co" and a "Mo Mo Mo". However - you quickly realise its actually just a massive hunger pang from everyone inside the compartment. Given that no railways official is present in the coach - everyone is basically asking for Coco(a) and Momo's. Two (Do) pieces for everyone that is.

Which is why in the next few frames you see a teenager shouting in the ear of a fellow passenger (hungry kids always shout and deserve to be slapped); a token white guy with an afro for diversity sake and and finally - for the crescendo - the north eastern guy gets up and explodes with wondrous memories of Momos and thukpas in his head. (On a side note im very impressed that they allowed him to do that - north easterners never get the lead role. Besides they could have easily copped out and made him the railway server given his (probable) extensive experience working at Big Chill in Khan Market.

Now all of this also has another big lesson. Hunger actually leads to people forming a friendship (despite the train being called whatever). This is why the government of India continues to keep 700 million people hungry by fucking up the supply chain of our Public Distribution System etc so that people stay united and foster a greater community spirit. Naxalism is actually a case study in how hunger can unite millions of people together for a common goal.

And finally - to touch upon the tagline. "Do the new". Really? The best company in India pays millions of rupees to hotshots to tell us we should stay promiscuous? Im willing to bet 10 rupees and a pair of my dirty boxers that they came up with this tagline one day before the deadline after getting smashed and watching a Mountain Dew "Do the Dew" advert.

Now i must go - my Vodafone dog needs to be fed.




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Why Punjab should be renamed Texas

8:41 PM / Posted by Khamba / comments (0)

Given that the title of the post is self-explanatory; I’m going to step right in and list out the reasoning:

Bigger is better: If Texas is obsessed with the bigger is better psychology – Punjab probably follows right in its footsteps. Despite not being the country's largest state unlike its American counterpart – it perhaps beats it when it comes to the size of trucks and its accompanying alloys (rims). It might not have the biggest cowboy hats but it has the largest turbans. Big cowboy boots – biggest collection of ridiculously ugly Red Tape shoes. I could go on and on…

The population: Its not much of stretch to say that residents of Punjab are the rednecks of India. They think they're gods gift to society and the world at large and no one can beat them at anything under the sun. A big reason for this kind of thinking can also be attributed to Sikh heritage – which you will have thrown in your face as often as rednecks profess their love for everything Jesus. The attitude – the false sense of bravado and the pride in ignorance is directly replicated across continents.

Borderlands: Texas shares a border with Mexico and thus sees swathes of illegal immigrants and drugs crossing over into its territory. Not much different from Pakistani infiltration through the states and the ISI led drug trade currently destroying an entire generation of young people in Punjab.

Food: Food parallels are actually more in tune with the African American community given that Punjabi food is India's answer to soul food. Nonetheless you can also generalise the same when it comes to the entire state. Punjabi's are as passionate about their Tandoori Chicken as Texans are about their prime rib. You can expand this further if you like.

Secession: Texas was one of the primary states against merging with the United States. An elected representative from the GOP even recently stated that Texans consider secession from the States a very serious option. Similarly Punjab had its obsession with seceeding from India in the name of a Khalistani Republic.

Agriculture: Texas has the most number of farms and highest amount of acreage in the U.S. Punjab remains India’s breadbasket (not for long but thats a different subject)

Pump up the volume: Country Music occupies the same socio-cultural space in the U.S. as Bhangra does in India. Who needs the Country Music Awards when you have the Global Punjabi Awards? 

Top Talent: Texas produced one of the world’s craziest father-son political duo in the form of George and George W. Punjab – not wanting to be left behind came up with Prakash and Sukhbir Badal. The former robbed entire countries (Iraq for example) whereas our people have only stuck to the state for now.

Welcome guests: Hispanics are to Texas what Dailts are to Punjab.

So really what are we waiting for? If we change the name and start calling Punjab Texas – perhaps millions of young people who end up migrating to the United States will stay put thinking they're already there. And they wont even have to sell their souls for getting a visa.

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