What is the ultimate symbol that screams “I’ve arrived”. If youre a CEO possibly breaching 10 billion in sales and impressive quarter on quarter growth. If youre a sportsman maybe its being part of a victorious world cup team or winning an Olympic gold. If youre a 15 year old puberty stricken school kid its being class monitor. And if youre a politician probably being Prime Minister – or maybe Rahul Gandhi adding you on his facebook. But those are still hoity toity.What if you are an average middle class youth who has sold his slave soul to a corporation whose products you don’t care for and treats you like a statistic? Would it be an employee of the year bonus? Would it be bagging the new chic in tech support? Or would it be getting a Tata Nano?
The answer ofcourse is none of the above. There is no greater ambition that drives middle class youth harder to break the shackles of social hierarchy and jump step more than the dream of residing in a “Posh Colony” (No relation to Ms. Beckham – pronounced Ka:loni)
The Posh colony is a curious beast. Those who form part of it flaunt their existence within it. Every colony that isn’t one claims to be it. But at the end of the day it isn’t much different from its Spice Girl counterpart. Not bad to look at on the outside…but frankly…a tad too flat. (Think about it...were you focusing on Denise Richards or Neve Campbell in Wild Things?)
Having been Shiney’d (copyright) by the British for so long – one would think someone would step up to ban the use of the word “colony” in India. But as much as we name our streets after Gandhi and suffix our flats with “Vihar” – the truth is we secretly like our British colonial heritage. Not only did it bring forth almost all Indians of any note – it fulfilled our biggest craving i.e. to be accepted by white skin. After all – we were WORTHY of being their violated jewel in the crown. It gave us a sense of acceptance on the world stage (unlike those losers in Niger who only got weird accents and cheese from their daddys).
Given that I was born into a posh kaloni and after having observed others who are relegated to kalonies where even auto-rickshaw waalahs refuse to ply – I present to you the characteristics that make up this animal.
Posh colonies are large geographic concentration of rich people aiming to one up each other by showcasing their happy lives and events through their Flickr photo stream. This leads to many side-effects.
Members of the Posh Colony have multiple gates installed at various ends of the Kaloni. Most of these gates have been sold to companies like Voltas which welcome visitors to X Vihar/Nagar/Enclave. These gates normally are no hindrance to thieves and murderers as they are not higher than 6 feet.
Everyone in the posh colony can afford to install bore-wells in the back of their houses. This leads to the collective destruction of the water table till all it spits out are the leftover chunks of The Mummy.
Because of the self induced water-shortage – the member of the posh colony who is almost always highly educated (likely a Bengali) and atleast one nephew in the London School of Economics would write a petition to the High Court bitching about how the posh entitled kaloni has no water.
Most houses in the posh colony also have a dog. The role of the dog is mainly to give the posh son of the house (usually fat or too drunk to care while the other posh son or daughter is the apple of the eye) a job and a friend while others have abandoned him. This leads to a competition amongst members of the kaloni as to who has the most expensive breed. It also causes piles of dog shit to accumulate in front of the house of the posh senior citizens. Noticing the accumulation of dog shit – Mr. Banerjee / Mukherjee / Chatterjee / Bandopadhyay / Acharya write another petition to the High Court against Municipal Corporation workers who don’t clean regularly enough.
Members of the posh colony have multiple cars – directly proportional to the number of floors in the house. However this standard practice causes members of the kaloni to goto other kaloni’s to find a space to park their own car.
Houses in the posh colony each have their own security guard whose purpose is to only guard that very property. Any theft / burglary / murder in progress in the house next door visible to that security guard will not be a cause to censure that guard in any way shape or form.
Houses in the posh colony each have their own maids and servants who have unlimited access to that specific house. Thus the network of maids and servants is unmatched even by Google Street and Google House. This leads to collusion with the house security guard and murder / grand theft auto / burglary takes place. At this point Mr. Banerjee / Mukherjee / Chatterjee / Bandopadhyay / Acharya write another letter to the local Police SHO to improve the security of the posh residents.
Houses in the posh colony each have a medium to large industrial generator (bhai ab bina AC ke Pintu ko neend nahi aati na). During the power outage every house turns on their generator to replicate the sound of a Sepeltura concert.
Houses in a posh colony are an Election Commission Block Level Officer’s worst nightmare. Rarely does a BLO manage to breach the walls of a posh house for Voter ID verification. Posh houses write a collective petition to the Election Commission for incorrect data on their Voter registration cards after every election.
The posh colony also causes the death of atleast 1 door to door salesman everyday.
Posh colonies provide expensive housing for expats who then get consistently harassed for walking around in shorts and skirts while Indian bahu-betis prance around with unwaxed legs.
Posh colonies compete with other posh colonies only to determine which is posher. The quality of the posh colony is directly linked with the number of basements housing offices of lawyers / accountants / NGOs / doctors / educators within its parameter. A minor celebrity such as participants of reality shows like Indian Idol greatly improve their ranking and are source material for creation of landmarks.
The posh colony normally has a park within a few hundred yards where many petitions are written / kitty parties organized / teenage love consummated / cricket matches played /stray dogs procreate till someday all activities are halted because of tents that are erected to celebrate a ladies sangeet / jagraata / dusshera / durga pooja / MLA election rally / free food distribution on every festival / wedding reception / diwali mela / lohri etc
And finally - while everyone loves being a part of their posh kaloni - the houses re-unite and lobby their local area MLA to lower the govt. grade rating of the colony so that they have to pay lower house tax.
The posh colony is the beginning of the end of human civilization.
Labels:
Idiocy,
Randomness,
Society
